Do you know what I think is happening? Usually when I fail once or twice I start failing more and then I give up, and then I realize I've given up and I give up even more, and then a month later I go, "wtf?" I think what's happening, with this week-on-week-off mess, is that I know if I let myself have two bad weeks in a row, all bets are off. I'm just barely managing to stay in the game - basically, I've had an unspoken rule that I absolutely cannot have two bad weeks in a row because then I'll be totally lost. I think that this is a sign that this time, I really really really do not want to give up. I really want it this time. A light is on this time that hasn't been on before - despite all the parts of me that want to give up, the part of me that doesn't now has teeth.
I am really glad I realized this. I'm even more glad that it's true! But you know what? I think I can do better. I spend so much of my time worrying about my own psyche. It's hard to explain...I have a compulsive need to try to plan everything I eat and everything I do because I don't trust myself to make good choices (or even be mentally present) if I was in a surprise situation or faced with any kind of temptation. But now I know that I don't need to worry so much - despite myself I've been clawing back up each time I fall, so I now officially am giving myself some credit. I trust myself a little more now, and it feels great. There has been this fear that if I let myself loose I'll wreak havok. Not so anymore.
All that planning I tried to do just made me feel boxed in, like I'd never get to be spontaneous or have fun again. I wanted to be wild and crazy and me, but didn't trust myself to. Well, now I do. I am giving myself permission to make it up as I go. I have this picture of myself as a beautiful, fit woman who decides on a whim to try out for a play or go hiking or take swing dancing lessons or serenade strangers at WalMart (okay, I've already done that one several times). She's a wild card. I'm taking a step toward that today. This week's color is a very shiny medium purple called Wild Card.
I think I can take it to the next level. There is still the fear of succeeding...I'd like to take that one on now.
Good luck to you all,