Do you know what I think is happening? Usually when I fail once or twice I start failing more and then I give up, and then I realize I've given up and I give up even more, and then a month later I go, "wtf?" I think what's happening, with this week-on-week-off mess, is that I know if I let myself have two bad weeks in a row, all bets are off. I'm just barely managing to stay in the game - basically, I've had an unspoken rule that I absolutely cannot have two bad weeks in a row because then I'll be totally lost. I think that this is a sign that this time, I really really really do not want to give up. I really want it this time. A light is on this time that hasn't been on before - despite all the parts of me that want to give up, the part of me that doesn't now has teeth.
I am really glad I realized this. I'm even more glad that it's true! But you know what? I think I can do better. I spend so much of my time worrying about my own psyche. It's hard to explain...I have a compulsive need to try to plan everything I eat and everything I do because I don't trust myself to make good choices (or even be mentally present) if I was in a surprise situation or faced with any kind of temptation. But now I know that I don't need to worry so much - despite myself I've been clawing back up each time I fall, so I now officially am giving myself some credit. I trust myself a little more now, and it feels great. There has been this fear that if I let myself loose I'll wreak havok. Not so anymore.
All that planning I tried to do just made me feel boxed in, like I'd never get to be spontaneous or have fun again. I wanted to be wild and crazy and me, but didn't trust myself to. Well, now I do. I am giving myself permission to make it up as I go. I have this picture of myself as a beautiful, fit woman who decides on a whim to try out for a play or go hiking or take swing dancing lessons or serenade strangers at WalMart (okay, I've already done that one several times). She's a wild card. I'm taking a step toward that today. This week's color is a very shiny medium purple called Wild Card.
I think I can take it to the next level. There is still the fear of succeeding...I'd like to take that one on now.
Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber
Ah, fear of succeeding...I know and hate you well. Call me if you have any life-altering updates on that one. Bugger.
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Jamie and the Boys :)
I am so very happy to see that even though you've faltered (not fallen you fall when you give up) you have continue to hold your head up high and keep pushing forward. I know this isn't easy, but as long as you remember that you did not gain that weight in a day so you shouldn't expect it to fall off in a day. Don't give up! Your motivation to keep picking your self up and pushing forward will get you through this. Sorry for the speech :D
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