Wild Card

Do you know what I think is happening?  Usually when I fail once or twice I start failing more and then I give up, and then I realize I've given up and I give up even more, and then a month later I go, "wtf?"  I think what's happening, with this week-on-week-off mess, is that I know if I let myself have two bad weeks in a row, all bets are off.  I'm just barely managing to stay in the game - basically, I've had an unspoken rule that I absolutely cannot have two bad weeks in a row because then I'll be totally lost.  I think that this is a sign that this time, I really really really do not want to give up.  I really want it this time.  A light is on this time that hasn't been on before - despite all the parts of me that want to give up, the part of me that doesn't now has teeth.

I am really glad I realized this.  I'm even more glad that it's true!  But you know what?  I think I can do better.  I spend so much of my time worrying about my own psyche.  It's hard to explain...I have a compulsive need to try to plan everything I eat and everything I do because I don't trust myself to make good choices (or even be mentally present) if I was in a surprise situation or faced with any kind of temptation.  But now I know that I don't need to worry so much - despite myself I've been clawing back up each time I fall, so I now officially am giving myself some credit.  I trust myself a little more now, and it feels great.  There has been this fear that if I let myself loose I'll wreak havok.  Not so anymore. 

All that planning I tried to do just made me feel boxed in, like I'd never get to be spontaneous or have fun again.  I wanted to be wild and crazy and me, but didn't trust myself to.  Well, now I do.  I am giving myself permission to make it up as I go.  I have this picture of myself as a beautiful, fit woman who decides on a whim to try out for a play or go hiking or take swing dancing lessons or serenade strangers at WalMart (okay, I've already done that one several times).  She's a wild card.  I'm taking a step toward that today.  This week's color is a very shiny medium purple called Wild Card.

I think I can take it to the next level.  There is still the fear of succeeding...I'd like to take that one on now.

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Love

This week's color is a bubble gum pink called Love.  Part of why I am always sabatoging myself is that I expect failure from myself, and then I do not forgive myself when failure happens.  I am absolutely cruel to myself.  Losing this weight is really about learning to love myself.  Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true.  It's the truth for most overweight people.  When I make mistakes, I need to give myself a hug and say it's okay.  And that's what I'm focusing on this week!

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Rescue Me

This week's color is a bright, glittery green called Rescue Me.  After last week's Duh Moment, I need to be reminded that 1) I need rescuing and 2) only I can do that.  This week I am shooting for double digits.  I am going to rescue myself this week.  And as a bonus, apparently this color glows in the dark, so if I get lost in the dark I'll be able to see 2 inches in front of the back of my hand so I'll be alright!  :-)

Yesterday's calories: 1280
Today's calories: 1925, burned about 350

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Hard Edged/Foxy Lady

This week I decided to let my sister decide my color.  I told her that I was pretty sure that if I picked, the decision would involve a lot of rationalization and it would just be good to have the color handed to me, like an assignment.  She chose to give me two colors, Hard Edged (a very dark, almost brown purple) and Foxy Lady (an orangy rust color) and told me to alternate fingers.  She said, "you need to be more hard edged, and then you'll be closer to being a foxy lady".  lol.  So that's my assignment for the week!

I'm going to try to post something every day this week, and see if that helps me stay on track. 

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

A-List

This week's color is a light, metallic, silvery blue called "A-List".  For now, I will simply say that it is there to remind me of one of my goals for this week, which is to DO MY FREAKIN' HOMEWORK!!!  I have said before what a terrible procrastinator I am, but to tell the truth...I have a 4.0 right now, in my second to last semester.  I do procrastinate, but it ends up being positive reinforcement when I end up the curvebuster (again!) anyway.  I've realized that it's one of the main sources of my self-esteem (sad, yeah, I know).  Anyway, this semester has been the procrastinator of procrastinators, and I'm starting to think I'm like one of those thrill-seekers who gets closer and closer to something that they're just not likely to survive.  I'm all like, "look!  I made an A on this 10-page paper even though I wrote it in the three hours just before it was due!  That was AWESOME!"  And I have to admit, it is pretty awesome.  But someday (I don't think it's today, but it's coming) I'll wait too long, and I won't get an A.  It's a highly insecure way of finding my limits.  So of course I want to keep pushing to new heights (can I write a 10-page A paper in two hours?!?  It's so tempting...!)  but I really, really, really shouldn't.  No.  I shouldn't.  It's not healthy.  I'm sure.  I mean I've been told.  And I'm sure they're right and I'm wrong, I mean who has the 4.0 after a-  oh, crap, that's me.  *sigh* oh what a circular reasoning we weave...but seriously, this week, I really have to do my homework.  I forgot why, but the nailpolish will remind me.  To do my homework.  Yeah.

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Jaguar

This week's color is a slightly shimmery light gold color called Jaguar.  I gotta say...I haven't embodied it at all so far this week.  A jaguar is a fierce animal, strong and fast and intimidating.  I have been no such thing.  BUT, whereas I would usually say in a dejected hopeless voice "there's always next week", I shall now say, "there's always today!"  I'm turning it around right now.  No use giving up and stuffing myself with fat and sugar and self loathing when I can just jump back up and keep going!  Jaguars don't weep and eat crap, they go kill something!  Rwaaaar!!!

Good hunting to you all,
JadeAmber

Celestial

This week's color is a slightly dark sort of primary blue called "Celestial".  There's one clear meaning I'm getting out of this one: remember God this week!  Most times I try to lose weight I am okay for the first week but the second week all my self-stoppers come into play.  "You did well, time for a break".  "You did well, now there's pressure to do that well again, you can't take it!"  "Last week wasn't spectacularly perfect which means you're a failure, which means you should just not even try".  I could go on, but I'm sure most of you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Even now I'm full of chocolate and burritos.  Why?  Because I have the added excuse-factory of piles and piles of homework.  I procrastinated, as usual, and now I feel overwhelmed.  My solution was eating.  That was the wrong choice, and I'm glad I made myself admit to it because now I feel like maybe I can get past it tonight, right now.  But what always, always works, when I need to stop and turn around, is prayer.  I know not everyone understands and I'm not going to get preachy, I'm just explaining why I need this color this week.  Week Two is the week I usually give up and fade out.  I need a lot of strength this week.  I didn't pray at all today and it didn't go very well.  (Hear that me?  The colors are no good if you don't listen!  lol)  So now I'm going to do that, and try to focus on studying instead of chocolate and burritos. 

I had a goal of doing another six pounds this week.  You can predict when I'm going to sabatoge myself; it's usually when I tried to make a goal for myself.  Sure enough, like clockwork, today happened.  It's me trying to let me off the hook.  "There's no way you can lose six pounds now, not after today, game's over, go home everybody".  But if I let myself off the hook then I will have reinforced that sabatoging behavior (like I always have) so I'm not going to do that this time.  I hereby STILL have the goal for myself of losing another six pounds this week.  I'll be okay if I don't meet that goal.  I'll be okay because that's what I've decided and I'll still love myself.  So with constant prayer I know tomorrow and the rest of the week I'm going to really impress myself with my new levels of self-control.

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Snow Queen

Before this post makes any sense, I must explain my nail polish thing.  A few attempts ago, I thought it would be fun to wear a new color of nail polish every five pounds, as a reward system kind of thing since I'm broke.  I got colors with cool motivational names like "hot tamale" and "risk taker", things that had meaning to me.  That was fun, but five pounds can take a while, and I'd have a color on way longer than it's designed to stay on (as in, they'd get chipped and I'd get sick of looking at them).  So this time, I decided that I'd have a new nail polish color every week and sort of meditate on those meanings and let them focus my energies on the various lessons I need to be learning and things I need to be remembering and looking forward to.  So, every Sunday I'll put on the new color (and post the weigh-in) and every Monday I'll explain the color and write a bit on what I'm gonna focus on that week, as inspired by the name of the color.  Silly, I know, but I really like it.

So, this week the color is Snow Queen.  I'll get a picture at some point, but this color is simply white.  There are two aspects of this color.  First, it represents a clean slate.  Pure white innocence, as far as weight loss goes.  I can't keep beating myself up for all my previous failures.  I have to chose to take the good from them and discard the rest.  I need to learn from my mistakes and then forgive myself.  I need a clean slate, and this color reminds me that I can have one, any morning I wake up and decide to give myself one.  It's easier than painting a color on my nails!  :-)  The second is the title, Snow Queen.  It brings up the image of an aloof, immovable, cold woman of power.  I need a little bit of that during the first week.  I have to be a little mean/distant/uncaring of some parts of myself.  There are bits of me that weep every time I choose kale and quinoa instead of pizza and lasagna.  I need to ignore that part, even if it's my "inner child", I need to tell it to shut up and go to bed or it's grounded.  It's tough love, and historically it's not something I'm good at when the subject is me.  I'm great at it with others, which makes me a hypocrite.  I'd like to fix that, obviously! 

So there we have it.  Those are the two things I'm going to be pondering and focusing on this week.  I know, I know, I'm weird!  But I like me, so it's okay.  :-)

Good luck to you all!
-JadeAmber