Wild Card

Do you know what I think is happening?  Usually when I fail once or twice I start failing more and then I give up, and then I realize I've given up and I give up even more, and then a month later I go, "wtf?"  I think what's happening, with this week-on-week-off mess, is that I know if I let myself have two bad weeks in a row, all bets are off.  I'm just barely managing to stay in the game - basically, I've had an unspoken rule that I absolutely cannot have two bad weeks in a row because then I'll be totally lost.  I think that this is a sign that this time, I really really really do not want to give up.  I really want it this time.  A light is on this time that hasn't been on before - despite all the parts of me that want to give up, the part of me that doesn't now has teeth.

I am really glad I realized this.  I'm even more glad that it's true!  But you know what?  I think I can do better.  I spend so much of my time worrying about my own psyche.  It's hard to explain...I have a compulsive need to try to plan everything I eat and everything I do because I don't trust myself to make good choices (or even be mentally present) if I was in a surprise situation or faced with any kind of temptation.  But now I know that I don't need to worry so much - despite myself I've been clawing back up each time I fall, so I now officially am giving myself some credit.  I trust myself a little more now, and it feels great.  There has been this fear that if I let myself loose I'll wreak havok.  Not so anymore. 

All that planning I tried to do just made me feel boxed in, like I'd never get to be spontaneous or have fun again.  I wanted to be wild and crazy and me, but didn't trust myself to.  Well, now I do.  I am giving myself permission to make it up as I go.  I have this picture of myself as a beautiful, fit woman who decides on a whim to try out for a play or go hiking or take swing dancing lessons or serenade strangers at WalMart (okay, I've already done that one several times).  She's a wild card.  I'm taking a step toward that today.  This week's color is a very shiny medium purple called Wild Card.

I think I can take it to the next level.  There is still the fear of succeeding...I'd like to take that one on now.

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Week 7 Results

Weight: 251.4
Gain: 3.4
Biggest Loser Style: +1.37%
Remaining: 91.4
New NWA: 2.86

Wow, so I'm really tired of up one week, down the other.  I don't have time to say much right now, but just know that tomorrow I'm going to post a long one!

And also...because it's Love week, I promise I'm not thinking about giving up and/or killing myself.  I'm not.  I hereby give myself a hug!  I'll get through this.  I know I didn't do well and I'm not using Love to excuse myself, but I will improve without any self-loathing.  :-)

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber