Alive

Hey guys.  Just wanted to say I am still here.  In fact, in a few minutes I'm going to an interview...wearing pants I previously could not button!  Yeah!  More on that later.  Just been busy.  Too busy to form proper sentences apparently.  Awesome.

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Wild Card

Do you know what I think is happening?  Usually when I fail once or twice I start failing more and then I give up, and then I realize I've given up and I give up even more, and then a month later I go, "wtf?"  I think what's happening, with this week-on-week-off mess, is that I know if I let myself have two bad weeks in a row, all bets are off.  I'm just barely managing to stay in the game - basically, I've had an unspoken rule that I absolutely cannot have two bad weeks in a row because then I'll be totally lost.  I think that this is a sign that this time, I really really really do not want to give up.  I really want it this time.  A light is on this time that hasn't been on before - despite all the parts of me that want to give up, the part of me that doesn't now has teeth.

I am really glad I realized this.  I'm even more glad that it's true!  But you know what?  I think I can do better.  I spend so much of my time worrying about my own psyche.  It's hard to explain...I have a compulsive need to try to plan everything I eat and everything I do because I don't trust myself to make good choices (or even be mentally present) if I was in a surprise situation or faced with any kind of temptation.  But now I know that I don't need to worry so much - despite myself I've been clawing back up each time I fall, so I now officially am giving myself some credit.  I trust myself a little more now, and it feels great.  There has been this fear that if I let myself loose I'll wreak havok.  Not so anymore. 

All that planning I tried to do just made me feel boxed in, like I'd never get to be spontaneous or have fun again.  I wanted to be wild and crazy and me, but didn't trust myself to.  Well, now I do.  I am giving myself permission to make it up as I go.  I have this picture of myself as a beautiful, fit woman who decides on a whim to try out for a play or go hiking or take swing dancing lessons or serenade strangers at WalMart (okay, I've already done that one several times).  She's a wild card.  I'm taking a step toward that today.  This week's color is a very shiny medium purple called Wild Card.

I think I can take it to the next level.  There is still the fear of succeeding...I'd like to take that one on now.

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Week 7 Results

Weight: 251.4
Gain: 3.4
Biggest Loser Style: +1.37%
Remaining: 91.4
New NWA: 2.86

Wow, so I'm really tired of up one week, down the other.  I don't have time to say much right now, but just know that tomorrow I'm going to post a long one!

And also...because it's Love week, I promise I'm not thinking about giving up and/or killing myself.  I'm not.  I hereby give myself a hug!  I'll get through this.  I know I didn't do well and I'm not using Love to excuse myself, but I will improve without any self-loathing.  :-)

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Love From A Grocery Haul

So, hubby and I were discussing cravings and we came to the conclusion that it is better to have "go-between foods" than to try to force ourselves to only eat the spectacularly healthy foods all the time.  Let's face it, the spectacularly healthy meals are not always the tastiest, and sometimes it just gets old, and usually if we try to force ourselves to quit enjoyable foods cold-turkey, we end up going good for a while and then binging at the Chinese Buffet or I-HOP.  A "go-between food" is a food that tastes like a junk/unhealthy/spectacularly tasty food but is a better-for-you version.  For example: when hubby wants waffles or cheesecake or ice cream, for some reason a brown sugar and cinnamon pop tart does the trick for him.  At only 210 calories, that pop tart is not exactly a superfood, but it is by no means a waffle, a cheesecake, or ice cream.  I reluctantly agreed with him and then realized the source of my hesitation - gee, that sounds like forgiving myself for being human!  Letting myself indulge when I'm supposed to be on a diet?  For shame!

I know what you're thinking.  You ARE human!  Food is supposed to be enjoyed!  It's a fantastic idea to find healthier versions of the foods you love!  And I agree.  Now.  But I didn't used to.  That's why I'm wearing Love this week.  Go-between foods are love foods!  I get to eat something I really enjoy and my diet doesn't have to suffer, because my "diet" is just calories in, calories out, and as long as I keep track of all my calories I'm fine, and I have not failed.  I'm okay with that concept now.

So I went to the store and got me some love: whole wheat bagels and reduced-fat cream cheese (strawberry and garden vegetable), turkey bacon, lean pockets, reduced fat Parmesan cheese, sugar-free all-natural fruit popsicles, and one of those steam-it-in-the-microwave veggie and sauce packets.  Yummy foods that are healthy versions of the spectacularly unhealthy crap I used to eat.  I can enjoy my food when I want a treat and still be in control of my calorie intake.  That's love!

I'm counting this as a Non-Scale Victory: I am now in a place where I can forgive myself for having a treat!  I no longer overwhelm a perfectly reasonable idea with the unreasonable urge to demand perfection!  No more hating on myself for ever enjoying a meal!  YAY!

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Love

This week's color is a bubble gum pink called Love.  Part of why I am always sabatoging myself is that I expect failure from myself, and then I do not forgive myself when failure happens.  I am absolutely cruel to myself.  Losing this weight is really about learning to love myself.  Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's true.  It's the truth for most overweight people.  When I make mistakes, I need to give myself a hug and say it's okay.  And that's what I'm focusing on this week!

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Week 6 Results

Weight: 248.0
Loss: 3.6
Biggest Loser Style: 1.43%
Remaining: 88.0
New NWA: 2.67

Okay, so 3.6 is not 10 but you know what else it's not?  It's not a gain!  And it's more than the NWA so I am on my way!!!  I looked back on the week though, as one is wont to do, and I am pretty sure that if there is a culprit it's the terrible sleep schedule I've been on.  I need better, more regular sleep something fierce.  Last week was the last week of classes.  This week is finals week.  But you know what?  Good decisions no longer have to wait for the "perfect" situation.  Finals week makes it a challenge, not an impossibility.  Good sleep, here I come!

My goal for this week is to improve on last week, so...I'm thinking I could lose 4 pounds.  That would put me in virgin weight territory (for this attempt, anyway).  I think I can do it!!!

BTW: I am still in that competition with my dad, and it's going fine.  I have also entered into a different competition with two friends.  Dad's is a simple race to 25 pounds.  This new one is a 12-week, let's-see-who-loses-the-most-weight (based on percentage) kind of competition.  It starts today.  They are both strong women but unfortunately for them, I am a jungle cat, so I hope they're prepared to lose!

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber

Thoughts On The First Week I Didn't Constantly Weight Myself :-)

I've done well this week.  I have no idea if I met my double-digit goal, but I really don't care.  I know that I have made improvements this week, and I've kept it strong.  Whatever the scale says, I know I've had a good week.  I stayed focused, even after the occasional small mistake.  It's the getting back up that I have always been so bad at, and I did it every time this week.  There was no giving up.  So whatever the scale says, I'm happy right now.

I did cardio 4 times this week.  Not bad, right?  But not super.  But I needed to know that I could be consistent, so I did err on the side of ease when in doubt a couple times.  But I was consistent, and I also did a little bit of weight lifting 2 days this week.  That's 6 days that involved movement, but to be honest the weight lifting days were really not that challenging.  I gotta say, if there was one thing this week I flaked on, it was weight lifting.  I think I would benefit from having a workout plan for the week ahead, so here's what I've come up with:

Sunday: Billy Blanks Bootcamp video
Monday: Shakespeare, and then Jillian's Burn Fat Boost Metabolism video
Tuesday: Shakespeare Stairs (count)*, and then Shakespeare
Wednesday: Shakespeare, and then Biggest Loser video Level 1
Thursday: Shakespeare (time)**
Friday: Shakespeare, and then Jillian's 30 Day Shred video Level 1
Saturday: 1 Mile (time), and then Walk 1 mile
*(count) means see how many I can do
**(time) means see how fast I can do it

So yeah...that's at least a couple notches harder than I pushed myself this week, but I really think I can do it.  It will be hard, and I plan on keeping it at that level for at least 3 weeks, but...I totally think I can do it. 

Next stop...the weigh in!

Good luck to you all,
JadeAmber